A Little Light Reading on a Saturday Morning

It’s a rainy, April spring morning. The birds are happy, chirping loud and proud. The coffee I’m drinking is especially delicious this morning. Maybe it’s the new creamer I’m trying. Laundry is humming. Kids are sleeping. My dog, Mabel, is snoring beside me. Me, I’m just trying to figure out my life. Why after ten years am I still swiping left or right to no avail?

So, I wish I had purchased this book years ago. I don’t even know how I stumbled upon it on Amazon. I went down some rabbit hole I’m sure. Anxious Attachment Recovery. It doesn’t have a title that screams, “READ ME!” However, the content is golden.

I’ve been divorced for almost a decade. I’ve dated consistently in that time. I’ve loved some, and lost all of them. I’ve had several men throughout my lifetime tell me, “When I met you, you were so confident. Where did that person go?” I’ve never had an answer. I get frustrated with myself too. I’ve read enough books to know what I “should say”, “should do”, or how I “should act”…but, ultimately, following my heart and my emotions has left me alone and looking inward time and time again.

I know all about the Empath/Narcissist relationship.

In the beginning of an Empath/Narcissist relationship, it seems like a match made in heaven–one person loves to give, and the other who loves to receive. The Empath’s tendency to be overly giving and accommodating leads them to being taken advantage of, while the Narcissist’s need for constant admiration can leave the Empath feeling neglected and unimportant. Both people benefit in some way, but it is important to remember that no one should have to settle for a situation where they are being taken advantage of or not receiving the love and appreciation they deserve.

So, I wouldn’t classify most of my past beaus as narcissists. In hindsight, some were way more giving than I was. So, as I read this book, I felt like someone was shining a light inside what it’s like to date me and all the emotions I go through. I couldn’t put it down.

The book says there are three attachment styles which serve as our “Blueprints to Intimacy.” Those three are the “Secure Attachment”, the “Anxious Attachment” and the “Avoidant Attachment.” I knew nothing of these attachment styles, or what they meant before reading this book. (The “Secure Attachment” is for the perfect people that get it right the first time…so I’m not going to talk about that :).)

The book relates anxious attachment to your childhood and being abandoned in some way. I had an amazing childhood with loving parents and grandparents. I don’t think I really felt anxious until after my divorce.

The book says, “Regardless of how often someone with anxious attachment receives validation from their partner, the partner with this attachment type will continue to anticipate being abandoned.” It goes on to say that I may attract guys who are not emotionally available for a healthy relationship. SOUND THE BELL! THAT IS ME! When this happens, it says I will make an extra effort to persuade my partner to stay in the relationship. This is turn makes them experience a lot of pressure due to my neediness and they are likely to distance themselves from me. *FACE PALM*

It goes on to talk about how I become fixated on my partner and fall in love quickly. Check. How I continuously fear the relationship ending and how I am triggered by any sign of disappointment or disagreement. Check Check. Then, I blame myself when my partner doesn’t respond to my needs or rejects me for any reason and their response just reinforces my belief that I am not worthy of being loved. Check. Check. Check.

It goes on to talk about my constant need for reassurance, feeling unappreciated, and what they called the dance of opposites. Ugh. It’s like Ms. Linda Hill is writing directly to me.

The book then says I attract men with avoidant attachment. It says I look to the avoidant partner to create the space needed for me to experience independence and autonomy. Whereas my avoidant partner fears becoming trapped and avoids emotional closeness which would make them feel vulnerable.

So the internal dialogue goes like this: Avoidant Partner: “This girl is too needy, dependent or emotional. Am I capable of love, or am I too selfish? It seems whatever I do it’s never enough.”

Meanwhile, in my head I’m saying “Is there something wrong with me? Is it that I’m not pretty, smart or successful enough?”

In the end, I feel guilty and resentful and my partner feels guilty that they can’t meet my needs. I judge myself on the parts of me that are independent or selfish, while my partner judges themselves for being vulnerable, needy or dependent.

In the end, my partner typically pushes me away. This makes me more determined to relentlessly connect with that person. Both of us are exhausted in the end and are sure we just weren’t meant to be together.

WELL DAMN~ IF THAT DOESN’T SUM UP MY POST DIVORCE DATING LIFE, NOTHING DOES!

The good news is, it also gives A LOT of ways to deal with it. Thank goodness.

I’ve not found a book that has taught me so much, this quickly. It is already marked up with highlighter/pages folded down and some paragraphs underlined and circled.

I want love. I believe in love. I will continue to work on the person I need to be for my partner.

If any of you are in the same vicious cycle, I highly recommend the book, “Anxious Attachment Recovery” by Linda Hill.

Cheers to going from Clingy to Confident & Secure in all my future relationships!

The Flats Made Me Fall

Not literally. There are wading boots that resemble geriatric basketball shoes from the 80’s to prevent that.

I fell for the art of fly-fishing. Hard.

When it became clear I was going to Belize, with a man named Chris, to photograph his fly fishing trip, it didn’t fully register to me what I was signing up for.
I thought, tropical destination, warm, remote, relaxing where I could capture amazing photos. A trip with someone that was funny, handsome, smart, successful and best of all, single. Bring. It. On. I seriously was on cloud 9.

I rented a Mac Daddy Camera and appropriate lenses, Googled the lodge where we would be staying, started a Pinterest board with fly fishing photos for inspiration and purchased enough Simms, Colombia and Patagonia clothing to look like I was a true blooded outdoorsman.

I read enough to know what constituted a “Grand Slam” and tried to educate myself on recognizing a Tarpon, Permit and Bonefish in hopes of not appearing completely incompetent.

The excitement built quickly and before I knew it, the two of us were on the plane to Belize City. A seven day adventure was ahead and we were both like kids on Christmas morning.

Customs, airport transfers and a beautiful 90 minute boat ride to the Turneffe Atoll brought us to our lodge. A rum cocktail and warm smiles greeted us. Sixteen others would be staying at the lodge and either fishing/diving or both. After a quick “what to expect” this week meeting and fly fishing tips from the general manager, the excitement and anxiety to get on the water was at an all time high. I heard terms like “nervous water”, “stripping the line”, “bow to the king”, “tailing” and others. I was getting pretty good at nodding like I understood. We were the only first time guests at the lodge, which was reassuring. The experience must be unreal if everyone keeps coming back. Superstitions were being exchanged, past conquests shared. The bar was set high and we were ready.

However, none of my preparation or research could have prepared me for the actual experience.

Our days began at 6am. Strong coffee was the first thing on the agenda. A made to order breakfast to fuel up and we were on the water, in our skiff boat, by 7:30. Our fishing guide, Willie, was amazing. He could see fish that we couldn’t, from distances that were unreal. We quickly coined him the “fish whisperer”. We would meet Willie at the dock each morning and would spend all day with him, until about 4:30pm. We ate lunch on the boat, usually around noon, which was either a sandwich/wrap/salad and fresh fruit. Limeade and coconut water were our favorite treats in the sun. Lunch meant the day was half way over and usually we would change what we were fishing for. If we’d spent the morning fishing for Permit, or trolling for barracuda, we would usually spend the afternoon on the flats wading for bonefish. Willie always knew what to do and where to go. Chris always deferred to Willie, which I think played to his advantage. Depending on the wind, the cloud cover, or the tide, Willie took it all into consideration and never disappointed.

The way Willie could read water and point out fish we couldn’t even see was nothing short of incredible. His amazing eye and ability to give direction quickly helped Chris land more fish that week than any other person at the lodge. Chris landed lots of bonefish, multiple permit, barracuda and jacks during the week.

Although he was the most successful angler it didn’t come without frustration. Expectations were high upon arrival and after having had other saltwater fishing trips that had produced fish after fish on the line, this trip proved to be less fruitful and at times frustrating for Chris.

I, on the other hand, was in a photographers paradise. Turquoise blue waters, coral, turtle grass, mangroves, osprey, conch shells and palm trees were abundant. I saw a manatee, dolphins, octopus, lobsters, starfish, sharks and rainbow fish. All were breathtaking. However, photographing Chris in his element, doing what he loved, was amazing and by far my favorite part of the trip.

After arriving back at the lodge each day, we usually unwound with a Belikin (Belizean beer) while we sent texts back home. Seeing the other guests arrive back at the lodge each day was entertaining. You could tell by the look on their faces and their pace what kind of day they had. After quick showers we joined the others for their daily report/results. We made friends from Alaska, Montana, California, Utah and Rhode Island. Conversation was always lively and laughter was abundant.
Chris and I always walked to the dock after dinner, dodging huge hermit crabs along the way. Each night we saw the 5ft resident barracuda, stingrays and lots of “jacks.” There were a couple of nights where he took his rod and one night we caught a large “Jack” on the first cast which definitely helped redeem the day we’d had on the boat.

To try to summarize this experience is tough. There is no way I could have predicted I would learn so much. I had no idea I would want to learn more. The experience left me awestruck in so many ways. I was thankful that Chris and I could combine our passions and share such an amazing experience together.

Fly fishing is a beautiful sport. Truly an art in itself. The bend of the rod, the sound of the reel, the line forming beautiful designs midair are all beautiful to witness. The flies themselves are intricate works of art and I can only imagine when you’ve made one and it lands an amazing fish, it’s a pretty sweet feeling.

By the end of the week, I could read the “nervous water.” I knew exactly what “stripping the line” meant and why you would strip at different speeds for different fish. I knew what “tailing” was and could actually spot it happening. I learned how sharp the coral was and why those wading boots, although not fashion forward, were musts.

Falling on the flats was incredible. I think I’m hooked.

A Beautiful Summer

The roller coaster of life never slows down.  As I watch the news, talk to friends, observe the lives around me,  I know this is true for everyone.  Never a dull moment.  If there is a break in the action, do we get introspective?  Or, do we fill our time with mindless social media to combat the void?  Constant stimulation is the way of the world.  I am guilty of trying to avoid the stillness.

Silence is something I often struggle with.  Being alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes the quiet can be deafening.  My mind never stops. Unfortunately I have more solitude and alone time than I would like.  More time for introspection.  I miss my kids when they are with their dad.  I try to stay busy to escape the emptiness that envelopes me when I’m still.  It’s hard for me to get productive when my heart is 5 hours away.  If I’m completely honest, some days it’s hard to function at all.

I am trying to focus on the positive.  Appreciate the beauty in the mundane, the everyday.  Savor the cup of coffee.  Walk slower to notice the unnoticeable.  Look up more.  Journal longer.  Linger.  Breathe deeper.  Smile wider.  Refocus.  Enjoy the simple moments.  Remember they are happy and I should be too. Remind myself that I am never alone.

I’m trying my best to have a beautiful summer.  Laugh deeply.  Eat ice cream.  Catch fireflies.  Capture more smiles.  Freeze the good times and store them for those moments of silence.  Have a beautiful summer.

Preschool Smiles

How precious are these faces.  Seriously.  Each little smile I met carried with it a certain amount of trepidation.  The lens can be intimidating to even the most seasoned model at times.  These little ones were amazing in every way. We had so much fun. Thank you Mount Pilot Child Enrichment Center for trusting me to capture these smiles!

A True Gentleman

Today Denise and I had the utmost pleasure of photographing Joe.  A true gentleman.  Joe may or may not realize how much he inspires or enriches the lives of others, but he does, naturally.  There are people who do nothing for others, some who talk about doing things for others, and then there are just the people that just DO.  Joe is one of those people.
As the shoot progressed we learned about how important family is to him.  He spoke about losing his mom last year and how during the holidays he and his family made her recipes to keep her memory alive.  He shared what it was like teaching in India and described the children so beautifully.  He painted a stunning landscape, through words, about his time in Ireland as well as shared a hilarious “TAPAS” story.  Ireland sounds like a photographer’s dream, so Denise and I are ready to go!  We are honored that we had a couple hours with Joe today.  There are countless images, but these are the first ones I edited.

Yes, at Just Be You, 98% of the time we photograph women.  Our mission is to bring out a persons inner beauty through our lens.  However, we are both firm believers in professional portraits and more importantly, professional head shots.  Thank you Joe for allowing us to photograph you and adding your images to our professional portfolio. We hope you love them!

Gimme Inspiration

Since the move to NC, my office has been located in my laundry room.  While some might argue this could be ultra productive, it tends to overwhelm me.  As you know, there is always laundry to do!

So, to paint a picture for you, the walls are painted a soothing spa like gray.  Trim is ultra white.  There is white tile on the floor (when you can see it).  I just purchased a new washer and dryer in Platinum.  There is a sink.  There is a rod to hang clothing.  Sounds ok, right?  It is absolutely perfect for a laundry room.  When you shove a desk, a 27″ iMac, nice leather desk chair (thanks mom), printer and all my garb to run 4 or 5 different businesses, it can get pretty darn messy, cluttered, annoying.

So, today, with two cups of coffee and determination in me, I cleared off the desk.  Starting from scratch, if I didn’t need it, use it or foresee it being useful, it went in the trash.  My kids toys were gathered and removed from the space.  A blank canvas can be exciting.

I found a calendar that I had purchased at the end of last year from Dollar Tree.  I paid the whopping $1 because I loved the quotes and the way they were written.  It had found it’s way to the bottom of a pile on my desk.  So I promptly ripped out the quotes and started taping them to a blank wall in my laundry room.  Motivation achieved.

So here’s a photo of the wall of quotes.  Without seeing the entire room, I suppose it’s hard to tell what it really looks like, but you get the gist.

Have a great day friends!

Just Be You Photography

I am SO excited.  OK, beyond excited really to announce my newest collaboration with Denise Tayson of Tayson Photography.  We are now co-owners of a business that focuses on women feeling beautiful, no matter their age, weight, etc.  It’s so funny when you meet someone and when you start talking you just know that there’s something special there.  A connection of sorts.  When Denise and I first met and talked photography, we both had this similar passion to photograph women and let them see how truly beautiful they are, through our lenses.  Here are just a few examples of some shoots we’ve done.  We are beyond excited to get this business off the ground, so if you are interested or know someone who could use a little ego boost, please contact us!

 

Where has the year gone?

It’s true.  2014 is almost over.  I said I would blog more.  Like every session.  I lied.  Not even close.  I hope to do a highlight post of some of my favorite images from the year, but I’m scared to promise anything.  I will do my best.  Afterall, isn’t that all we can do?

I just shot two days at my little man’s preschool.  Adorable kiddos.  Like off the charts adorable. More to come.  Fingers crossed!

Back To School Mini’s

Back To School Minis